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I would like everyones opinion.
http://forums.hawkserv.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=2508		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  Dmason173 [ Mon 12 Aug, 2013 - 5:09 pm ]
Post subject:  I would like everyones opinion.
So this week I will be starting to upload my music and songs onto youtube. I am more nervous than a sinner on judgment day so I would like everyone's honest opinion on the first original song I will be uploading. Here are the lyrics. Please give me your honest opinion.

Verse 1

Well it started like any day.
I just hoped that the day would be okay.
Little did I know that everything would change.
My world would get rearranged.
I want to tell you now.
In case you wondered how.

Chorus 1

About how you had me at first glance.
I got caught in your trance.
You had a hold on my heart.
I didn't want us to ever be apart.
I told you every day.
That I wanted you to stay.
We started with a clean slate.
Filled it full of dates.

Verse 2

I tried to fill your life with happiness.
After all you gave my life so much bliss.
I cried tears of joy when you said yes.
Now I can't wait to see you in your dress.
As I sit here and right my vows.
I take a chance to remember how.

Chorus 2

You had me at first glance.
How I convinced you to take a chance.
I thanked the good stars above.
That you were also looking for love.
I couldn't believe my eyes.
When a girl like you didn't have a guy.
My feelings for you grew stronger and stronger.
I found myself talking about you longer and longer.

Verse 3

Now I stand here waiting for you.
My heart is raising till I get to say I do.
Nothing could have compared.
To this story that we shared.
All I can think about now.
Is the story about how.

Chorus 3

This all started from a glance.
About how it started all of this romance.
About how I love you being in my life.
About how you make a beautiful wife.
About how this all began.
About how I love to be your man.
About how I look a chance.
By falling for you at first glance.

Outro

(continued guitar as it slowly gets quieter and fades away)

At first glance.

(fade to black)
Author:  Belgeran [ Tue 13 Aug, 2013 - 1:17 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I would like everyones opinion.
niceness. As there's no way for us to know how the rhythm and tempo of the lyrics are, for chorus 2 "my feelings for you.... i found myself talking about you" the "talking about" sounds slightly off and changing it to "thinking of" might sound nicer since "stronger, found, of, and longer" all have a softer sound to them than talking about; but that depends pretty heavily on the rhythm and tempo of the song. The only other thing is the chorus 3 with the number of about hows since after about 3-4 that could get to be seeming too repetitive; although, you could do something interesting with the rhyme scheme on the last chorus since that seems to be driving the "from a glance" thing where you have it as an AA,BB,CC,AA (3rd chorus only) you could throw in a line that changes it up a bit with the about hows and adds a little rhymy connection to the glance.
Like so: Aa,BB,A,CC,aA (little a represents the about how lines that rhyme with glance)

I'm kind of assuming here that the name of the song is "From a Glance" or something like that, well done lyrics and yeah keep doing good.
Author:  Satan360100 [ Tue 13 Aug, 2013 - 5:00 am ]
Post subject:  Re: I would like everyones opinion.
I'm not a music guy so I can't give your criticism like Bel can but I can suggest that when you upload the video, keep it on private for a few days and post it here. That way you have a test audience before it goes public.
Author:  Dmason173 [ Tue 13 Aug, 2013 - 4:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: I would like everyones opinion.
I meant thinking. Where did talking come from in the second chorus?! Stupid brain. Also thanks for the help :D Plus the third chorus is gradually getting slower as it is basically the end of the song. Although I like your ideas.
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